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Want a great relationship?
Or at least a better one than you have now?
It’s a fair aim. Not easy though, is it? Not when you’re busting ass at work, still folding laundry at midnight and that dishevelled person slumped on the couch in their sweatpants will still want to have sex when you’re done.
Ah relationships. I sometimes wonder how any two people stay together, ever. We all get stressed. We all have annoying bits. We all drive each other crazy. But, still, we feel compelled to try. That’s because, when it goes well, love is tonic for the human spirit.
There are no guarantees in love, but if you want a piece of all it has to offer, you have to give it your best shot — or at least get rid of your worst.
There are a million habits that can undermine love and I don’t want to depress anyone. But here are six we could all do without.
6 Hurtful Habits You Should (Try To) Avoid
“The seed of every habit is a single, tiny decision. But as that decision is repeated, a habit sprouts and grows stronger. Roots entrench themselves and branches grow. The task of breaking a bad habit is like uprooting a powerful oak within us. And the task of building a good habit is like cultivating a delicate flower one day at a time.” — James Clear
Author of Atomic Habits James Clear says it better than I can. But in a nutshell it means this: If we take care of our habits, we take care of our world — and our relationships.
1. Acting like a single person when you’re not.
I’m not talking about sex here, because that should (hopefully) be obvious. I’m talking about independence. We all know it’s important hold onto your sense of self within your relationship but it’s possible to have too much of a good thing. If your passion for off-road mountain-biking and your mates and your duties to your mother are taking up so much of your time and headspace you have little left for your partner — be warned. People want to feel visible, connected and loved in a relationship. They want to be a priority. And that requires time.
When your partner loves you, but doesn’t need you.
2. Always sitting in the passenger seat.
This refers to being super-passive in the relationship. Waiting to be given direction and instruction: reminded what chores need doing, which day the recycling goes out, where you have to be on Saturday night, who’s coming over for dinner, what time you need to be at Cindy’s house…you get the idea? Arghh. Uncool. Unsexy. Look around: If you can’t see what needs to be done, keep looking BECAUSE THE CLUES ARE THERE. Or write a list in your phone. Or Google what to look for. Because it’s in your interest: An active partner is (way) sexier than a passive one.
3. Sighing at the mention of date night.
OMG date night. It must be the most well-worn offering in romantic self-help. Having regular dates with your partner does help your relationship, but not if the very thought makes you want to go to bed (alone with your book). If date night feels boring to you, take some responsibility for changing it. It can be date afternoon, or date walk or date-picnic or date-glass-of-wine. And, whatever you choose, focus on raising the quality of your conversation — getting beyond work and the kids.
4. Globalising your partner’s annoyingness.
You love your partner but she has some annoying habits. She leaves wet towels on the bedroom door and forgets to put the toilet seat up. But you know she’s just busy and distracted. She loves you, she shows it in a million other ways.
Do you say patiently (a) I would really appreciate it if you’d remember the towels and toilet seat today, babe? Or savagely (b) You lazy bitch why do you keep doing this to me?
No prizes for guessing which one is globalising. Keep your criticisms specific and current. And, if you love your partner, don’t do a hatchet job on their character.
5. Having to be right ALL THE TIME.
I recall a client telling me her partner always had to be right, always had to have the last word. She struggled with it but — the trouble was — almost all of the time he WAS right. “He just knows a lot about everything,” she said. (This man also refused to come to counselling.) I didn’t ever meet him so it would be unfair to judge him. So I’ll just say something generic instead. Anyone who is always right AND has to finish every conversation by proving it is boring. Lacking social skill. And a bit mean.
6. Getting more fun out of your phone.
Have you ever sat beside your partner while they’re chuckling at something on their phone? If you have, you’ll know what I mean. Insert eye roll here. It’s something funny only to them — as you find out when they try to share it with you.
Look, phones are entertaining so it can be hard for mere mortals to compete. But if you’d rather spend the evening on your phone than talk to your partner, clock it. Because your phone won’t wrap its arms around you and make you a coffee when you get bad news. It won’t take you out to celebrate the good times. Give your best attention to the person who will.
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