15 Things You’ll Learn at 20 and Start to Believe at 40

Photo by Sander Dalhuisen on Unsplash

If only life came with an instruction manual.

You could just flip straight to the trouble shooting page whenever you got stuck down in the trenches, whenever you couldn’t figure out what to do or where to turn.

But maybe that would take away the fun? Most (or maybe all) of life’s intrigue comes down to the fact that there’s no absolute path — for anyone. That we’re all just picking our way over the rocks.

There’s no ideal strategy even though a lot of people make a lot of money out of pretending there is. None of us can accurately predict the course our lives will take, no matter how big the crystal ball.

The best we can do is sling on our backpacks and fill them with the lessons we stumble over — or are thrown at us — alone the way.

Here are a few of my favourites:

1. What you believe to be true often isn’t.

Don’t believe everything you think. Truly. It’s a bad idea. Our minds are filled with random, racing, intrusive, intriguing, dark, weird, catastrophic thoughts as well as ordinary ones like “don’t forget to feed the dog” or “we’ve run out of bread”. The trap is that we tend to believe all of these thoughts when many of them don’t merit it. See your thoughts for what they are — sometimes weird and sometimes very wrong.

2. Change is the only certainty.

Every single human on the planet will go through change. Lots of it. Your ability (or not) to cope with it will define your life.

3. Desperation is the best motivator.

Want to lose weight? Get out of debt? Stop drinking? Quit porn? Start a business? Create a second income? Then get a little desperate about it. Or a lot. Desperation fuels persistence. And persistence fuels success.

4. A passion for pizza will catch up on you. So will beer.

Young bodies are a lot more forgiving. Just saying.

5. People you like won’t like you (or be mean to you) and that’s okay.

This is the life lesson we should absorb when it’s first handed to us in the school playground. Not everyone will be nice to you. Some people will be really mean. Their actions tell you what you need to know about THEM. Not you. Which, when you finally see the truth of this, sets you free.

6. People you love will be lost and that will hurt. Hugely.

At any age and stage, loss hurts. Loss upon loss hurts even more. The great challenge is not letting those losses define who you are in love. Not allowing them to shut you down emotionally or sabotage your happiness. You can be content, and live well, alongside loss.

7. Money may get you a partner but it won’t help you keep one.

Relationships are the great leveller (along with mental health). Poverty is hard, poverty puts pressure on everything, including relationships. But having money doesn’t make you more skilled at relationships, it doesn’t make you a more loving person. It will pay for good therapy, though.

8. The best relationships may feel weird at first.

That’s because in adult love we are primed to go after what feels familiar from childhood — and familiar is not always healthy or good for us. Just because a new relationship feels strange or different doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Check what’s in your love bucket before you run.

9. You can’t be mentally fit without doing the training.

Your internal game matters. So take your mind to the gym too.

10. Managing your emotions will keep you out of trouble.

Emotional regulation skills are the hottest commodity on the planet. Being able to feel, express and (where necessary) control your emotions will contribute hugely to your life.

11. It will also win you friends.

Seriously. People want to be around someone who has a healthy balance between thoughts and feelings. People who can show empathy for others while keeping some for themselves.

12. Honesty isn’t always the best policy.

Look, it mostly is. You should run from anyone who is habitually dishonest. But sharing every little gem that passes through your head is a little tedious for the person on the end of it. It may also hurt them. Keep a little back, for everyone’s sake.

13. No-one cares what you do with your life. Except maybe your mother.

All your mother ever wanted was for you to be happy. And financially independent. And for you remember her on Mother’s Day. The rest of it was always open to negotiation, even if she didn’t say so at the time. Other people care way less about you than you think. So live your own life in your own way.

14. Laughter is the best medicine. Except when you really need medicine.

Think about the last time you had a good, deep belly laugh and you’ll find it hard to disagree. Laughter fuels your spirit, which enhances your physical and mental health. Laughter won’t cure all ills though, so listen to the doctor when you need to.

15. Being a person you admire is a cool goal.

So keep trying. Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, whoever you’re with, for as long as you can.