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“Help! I’m completely overwhelmed,” my client said.
I hear this often. Overwhelm is always a popular theme in therapy. And, to be fair, 21st Century life is a big package. There’s just a lot of Stuff to do.
When people, like my client, are struggling with overwhelm, we always start by taking a look at the broader context of their lives; in other words, all that’s going on for them.
You often find they’re trying to Please Everyone. Their boss, their clients, their colleagues, their partners, their kids, their parents, their friends, the friends of their friends, the demanding woman in charge of the muffin stall at the school fair — and themselves.
And in doing so, their boundaries — if they had them — have disappeared under the great never-ending laundry load of life.
What to do?
Boundaries are the Stairway to Psychological Heaven.
A boundary is the imaginary line between where you end and the next person begins. It separates you physically, as well as your needs and feelings from others.
Psychologists love boundaries. We love them because we know they work. We know they reduce stress and overwhelm. We know they help people reclaim a piece of themselves — for themselves.
But setting and (particularly) keeping boundaries can be challenging. Especially for people who strive to please everyone — and feel anxious, upset or guilty when they don’t.
So here are some tips for mastering the art of boundaries.
Firstly, here is your WHY.
* Boundaries make everyone feel safe.
When people are clear about what you’re giving and they’re getting, you’ll be making them feel safe. They may protest at first but they’ll get used to it if you are quietly firm.
* You’re helping people by giving them their power.
People need their own space, they don’t need ALL of your help. Writer Anne Lamott puts it like this: “Our help is usually not very helpful. Our help is often toxic. And help is the sunny side of control. Stop helping so much. Don’t get your help and goodness all over everybody.” I love that. It’s possible to be too kind. And, when it goes too far, it can even be harmful.
* You’re teaching people how to treat you.
Being constantly available to do everything for everyone sends a message: treat me as poorly as you like and I’ll just suck it up. For example, your partner throws a tantrum because they’re stressed and you end up apologising, this is what they will think: If I play up, I’ll get an apology for it. Here’s another one: Your teen yells at you then asks you to take them shopping. Hmmm. Before you leave the house, ask yourself what you are reinforcing if you take them. Is that really what you want?
Secondly, here’s how to do it.
1. Look in the mirror.
Stare long and hard. This is powerful for women. It is often the wakeup call we need. Ask this: Am I looking ragged, run down? Has someone told me I look tired/off my game lately? If you answer yes, you’re doing too much. And you need to make a change — right now.
2. Draw your first boundary around yourself.
Schedule time for yourself, even if it means (and it probably will) dropping one thing from your schedule. Use the time just to do what you want to do. Exercise. Walk. Go for a massage. Read. Have a coffee alone. When you schedule a date with yourself, keep it. If you can’t maintain a boundary for yourself, you’re going to be a sucker for everyone else.
3. Know your place in the Universe.
I know, this sounds weird. But when we get busy we tend to over-rate the importance of ourselves to Everyone and Everything. Other people can do most of the things you do. Maybe not as well in some cases, but they can still do it. If you disappeared tomorrow, someone else would step up. Let them — before you do disappear with stress.
4. Say no — because saying “maybe” is mean.
I used to be terrible at this. I’d say: “I can’t do it for you now but if I get some time, I will…” And then I’d still feel the pressure to deliver — and people would still expect me to. People love clarity, even if they protest at the time. The kindest, fairest thing you can do is say “sorry, I can’t. I’m not available.” You’re giving them their best chance to make other plans.
5. Tell people what to expect.
Then they can relax. So if your mother skypes every night at 5pm and you can’t deal with that, tell her, I’ll call you Monday and Thursday at 7pm. The rest of the time I’ll text when I can. She’ll get used to it. And she’ll love that you’ve given her some certainty. And you’ll be able to relax too.
6. Let people live.
People pleasing is a form of anxiety that drives us to seek control of our environments and our people. But we can’t control everything. The best thing you can do for others’ growth is step back. Be supportive, but don’t do it all for them. Give them the freedom to live in their own way. And take back the time you would have spent on them for yourself.
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